10 years

 

Lose

 I feel kinda lost. Having lost the one person I always went to whenever I needed to talk, or even just because that person was my best friend. I feel myself reaching for the phone to text them and cry to them about everything I'm feeling, but I also know there's no point in doing so. My evenings and nights are lonely now, just spent by myself listening to music or rewatching some show for the 100th time, just to pass time that I would have usually spent talking to that one person. It feels like every time I open myself up to someone and let them into my life, they also end up leaving in a few years. I'm kinda treating this blog like a personal diary just because it feels good to write all my feelings down, because lately I've just been feeling like shit. I thought I could just bury everything away and be my normal self, but turns out there's a reason why I'm the way I am. I feel hurt more often than some people do, and I also do not tell anyone anything because I hate being a burden on people. Hoping this reaches people who also feel the same way, so they know they're not alone :)

Trust

 Having had trust issues for as long as I can remember, it's sad that that very thing could be used against me. My past issues have been compared and are called "not as important as other issues". Defending a friend does not give one the right to stoop to the level of insulting another person and saying hurtful things, but why is it that some people do not understand? I was once very petty as a person and posted very immature stuff to "get back" at my past friends, but I learned my lesson once I turned 21 that not everyone I'm in the company of is as civil and dignified, as I have tried to turn myself into now. There are people who will do anything to prove themselves as being right, but does that mean they're right? I'm told that I have ruined someone's life, purely because I chose to get out of a toxic situation instead of sitting in it and being miserable. This is all somehow made into being my fault, because of course why wouldn't it be? Sometimes I wonder why I care so much about what everyone thinks about me, because let's be honest, these ones are gone from my life the minute they talk to me like this. There's lies about me that are being believed, but only the true ones know the truth :)