10 years

 

Lose

 I feel kinda lost. Having lost the one person I always went to whenever I needed to talk, or even just because that person was my best friend. I feel myself reaching for the phone to text them and cry to them about everything I'm feeling, but I also know there's no point in doing so. My evenings and nights are lonely now, just spent by myself listening to music or rewatching some show for the 100th time, just to pass time that I would have usually spent talking to that one person. It feels like every time I open myself up to someone and let them into my life, they also end up leaving in a few years. I'm kinda treating this blog like a personal diary just because it feels good to write all my feelings down, because lately I've just been feeling like shit. I thought I could just bury everything away and be my normal self, but turns out there's a reason why I'm the way I am. I feel hurt more often than some people do, and I also do not tell anyone anything because I hate being a burden on people. Hoping this reaches people who also feel the same way, so they know they're not alone :)

Trust

 Having had trust issues for as long as I can remember, it's sad that that very thing could be used against me. My past issues have been compared and are called "not as important as other issues". Defending a friend does not give one the right to stoop to the level of insulting another person and saying hurtful things, but why is it that some people do not understand? I was once very petty as a person and posted very immature stuff to "get back" at my past friends, but I learned my lesson once I turned 21 that not everyone I'm in the company of is as civil and dignified, as I have tried to turn myself into now. There are people who will do anything to prove themselves as being right, but does that mean they're right? I'm told that I have ruined someone's life, purely because I chose to get out of a toxic situation instead of sitting in it and being miserable. This is all somehow made into being my fault, because of course why wouldn't it be? Sometimes I wonder why I care so much about what everyone thinks about me, because let's be honest, these ones are gone from my life the minute they talk to me like this. There's lies about me that are being believed, but only the true ones know the truth :)

Toxicity

After what happened to me in 2012-2013, while I was mentally weak, I also became very guarded and also used to pride myself on how easily I could detect toxic energy and remove myself from a situation which would hurt me later on. This has slowly changed and for the past 2-3 years, I've been very forgiving and as I would call it, like a "doormat". I have let many people from my past back in my life and let them stay for longer than needed, because I feel bad about cutting people off. This is NOT what I pride myself on, because there are many days where I wish I could easily let toxic people go and not let my mental state be affected in any way. For the past 3 years, I've been talking to a person from my old school, but only recently did I begin seeing red flags. This individual was rude and had emotionally manipulated me every time I tried to remove myself from the friendship. If I ever brought up the fact that he was being rude and bitter about certain situations, he would blame me or have excuses such as "I've been going through this" ready at hand. I stayed in the friendship because I felt like it was good at times, but that could never outweigh the toxic energy I felt around him. Recently, I decided to cut off all ties with him and remove myself from any friendship we have now or may have in the future. Since I've done this, I have felt a weight lifted off my shoulder, but there is a big part of me who knows that I could have done this much earlier and not kept myself in a toxic situation that wasn't going to benefit me in any way.   

2012… The year I became empty. I was full of emotion moving from a place I had adored and found so much love and peace in. Yet, it was crucial to move to another state in order to be a complete family. My beloved grandfather died after a painful battle with cancer on July 1, 2012, and I went to Chennai a couple of days later with my father. Joining school just a few days late was scary but I found friends and I later secured a place in Chennai, however; I had still left behind a piece of me in Hyderabad, but not just Hyderabad. I had left a piece of me in Nasr School, the school I studied in for about 5 years, but I left the biggest piece of me in Keshav Dale Apartment. The place served as a home, but also as a safe haven for me and my childhood friends. We ran around, played wall- touch, hide-n-seek. I was known as the "boss" when I was young, because I would attract friends and make the decision on what to play on a certain day. My best memories were carried with me to Chennai in hopes to make even better ones, with new people. I befriended many people after a couple of months, and in just a few short months, I felt like maybe Chennai wasn't going to be that bad to me. In the people I befriended, there was a boy that was also new and I felt was safe and could be a nice friend. He and I chatted on Facebook everyday after returning from school, and after a while, I felt like I could trust him. He had once told me that he felt like it wasn't worth living anymore. I was his friend, and as a friend I couldn't bear to hear something like that. I told him I cared about him and that it was worth living. I said this to him as a friend, but he took it as sign of flirtation and later that same day, asked me out…on Facebook. I felt guilt because if I said no, I was scared he would be suicidal again, so I said yes. In the following weeks, he took the "relationship" extremely seriously, and even went on to tell me he loved me. I was only 12, the only people I had felt love for was my family, not for some boy I had met a couple months ago, but could I tell him that? No. So, I told him that I loved him too. He was a possessive "boyfriend", he used to glare at me anytime I talked to other boys in class, and later threaten to break up with me on Facebook. Our relationship actually existed on Facebook, but our friendship was displayed around the campus. October of 2012, sometime in the night, he had enough of me talking to other boys in class, so he broke up with me. I couldn't bring myself to care enough so I told him that we are never ever getting back together. I think it was my lack of understanding that irked him to do what he did later on. We were on a bus to go to another branch of our school for some reason, and the bus had stopped at the school. I was sitting next to the girl who I had considered my closest friend there, she and I shared similar experiences and thoughts about moving to Chennai from a completely different state, and we quickly became good friends. It was a quick stop so all my classmates and I were on the bus just talking. After a hot minute, I heard some snickering and shocked sounds. I was sitting at the window seat, and I saw a note being passed to my friend. I saw the word slut on the note and started reading, and my heart immediately dropped. It said 'Nimisha is a slut and gives good BJ's'. I felt everyone around me stare and whisper. My first instinct was to get up and look back at who I had a feeling this note could be from, and boy was I right. There he was…. My "ex" sitting with his friends and laughing because they had achieved something like this. The look he gave me was simply a grin. There was no sympathy or any hint of being sorry. I sat back down and asked my friend if she could say something to them. Her response? "No, I don't know what to say.". I asked her why she wasn't ready to stand up for me, her friend, and she had no response. I felt like my whole world had come crashing down. I wanted to say something back but I didn't have the courage. I felt as though there was no one with me. I was alone, and there was nothing I could do about it. Weeks went by, he made several Facebook accounts with different names, threatening me that he wasn't going to stop harassing me. I blocked him multiple times, but he was a leech who kept following me. I was scared of going to school because every time I went, either all my pens were out on the desk with my water bottle emptied out on them, or someone pushed me "accidentally". There were times I wanted to take revenge, but I was drained emotionally, and I couldn't get myself to do it. I thought everyone would ignore me, but they would stare and make nasty comments every time I walked by. Some girls would ask my friend why I would be using her pencil or pen, because apparently I was a walking- talking STD spreading human. My own teacher twisted my fathers words and told the class I was seeking help at a mental institution, when my father actually told her I was seeing a therapist. Every individual stayed away from, including underclassmen and upperclassmen. I made excuses not to go to class because I couldn't bear to sit in that room anymore. A couple of days before school closed, I wanted to resolve everything, and decided to write a hand-written note to my "ex" and give it to him during class; something all his friends noticed and laughed about. I saw him read it and tear it and throw it in the trash. Why was I trying to resolve things with him? He made me feel miserable, yet I tried to make things better. That summer, my family and I tried our best to change schools, but it was too late. I was stuck in that hellhole for another year. By that time, both my  "ex" and my ex-friend had both left the school, and I was in the hopes that everyone would have forgotten about last year. Boy, was I wrong. I enter class, and all eyes on me. It was almost like I disturbed their existence, atleast that's what I felt like. I was already at a point where all I felt was sadness, and the surroundings I was placed in increased them. There were two girls who became fond of me that year, even though they disliked me immensely last year. I couldn't trust them, so I mostly just hung out by myself and they followed me. I became a top student in English, and even got an invite to go to a writing competition but I made an excuse not to, because I couldn't find the energy and the will to go. I didn't want to write my exams because I couldn't stand to be in that school for another minute, it was toxic. I blamed myself for everything and tried harming myself for the first time, just to feel some sort of emotion. During this tumultuous period, my "ex" got in contact with me several times and apologized. But not just that, he told me he loved me and to try to give "us" another chance. I was shocked to hear how nonchalant he could be about this whole situation. I gave him a earful and blocked him. School came to an end, and I cut all ties with anyone and everyone involved with the school. Some months later, my family and I moved to the US. I was happy to be out of that toxic place. Now, almost 5 years later, I'm here in Los Angeles. I still have many reservations and a lot of emotional baggage but I have made it my ultimate motive to not let my past dictate my present and my future. This has been a hard task so far, but I'm willing to do the work. I have forgiven everyone involved in the emotional and mental bullying, because I couldn't bear to hold grudges anymore. Am I Facebook friends with some of my ex-classmates? Yes. Am I willing to go back to being friends? However much I have forgiven them, I can't have that toxic energy back in my life. 

Some issues with the Indian society and more.

I'm writing this new post in hopes of possibly having some positive changes in the Indian society. For the 14 years I've spent in India, only the last 2 years staying there has made me realize that we live in a messed up society. We live in a society where showing affection towards your significant other is frowned upon. I mean, not everyone is emotionally incapable of showing signs of PDA in public. Most people want to hold hands with their loved one, and possibly share a kiss with him/her. Why is it that I've heard articles and stories of people being fined for literally just showing love? We can't live our entire life scared of showing affection in public, it's the most normal thing on Earth. I remember one instance when I was living in Chennai;a couple had to hug under a table on the beach, and no, not because they wanted to avoid sun light. But because they were scared to be stared at weirdly. Why is it that when someone gets molested on a train or just in public, the crowd seems to do nothing but stare as though they're looking at a live show, but when a couple shows affection, oh no, we must look at them disgustingly and do something about it, like shout insults.

Now sexism is something that is seen and heard of a lot in India. Of course there have been incidents of sexism outside of India too, but it's 2016, and the world seems to be improving quite a lot, maybe not entirely. Why can't a woman walk on the streets wearing whatever she wants without getting stared at? Why do parents tell their child what to wear and what not to, when they could just as easily blame the idiots who do have the audacity to stare. Now, I lived in Hyderabad for 8 years and not once did I ever have people staring at me when I wear something. They would occasionally look, but for 2 seconds and then go on to doing what they were doing previously. It never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. Walking in the streets of Chennai made me feel quite uncomfortable because men would stare like they'd never seen a female before. There have been so many cases and incidents of rape, but not once did I see a case go on for however long the Delhi case did. I mean come on, rape happens every day possibly, but why does it not get the attention it needs. How do some men have the guts to say,"She should dress appropriately."? No, it's not her dressing sense that needs to be fixed, instead it's your mentality. Cat- calling is also a form of assaulting someone or harassing them, but why is it not talked about more?

I'm going to kind of drift away from just the India topic here. So many people around the world tell their friends to take a form of verbal harassment as a compliment. I'm so sorry to hear how you've been brought up in a way where your mentality is plain useless. Okay now why do men find the need to make a page called 'Meninists'? I mean, if this page had talks about how wrong rape is and how people of either gender go through it, then fine, keep your page and be proud of it. But making a page just to hurl abuses at women for standing up for their rights and equality is ignorant. Like, okay if Meninists actually meant standing up for transgender males and men who've faced instances of harassment and have been assaulted in a way then I would actually be proud of how far some men have come. But since their whole feed is about how feminists are absolute crap and how feminism is basically just females wanting to be of higher power than males, they don't deserve even an inch of respect.

It's 2016. Some people need to realize that feminism is a stand to have females equal to males, not have them at a higher power at all. If someone claims they're a feminist, yet says stuff like "WOMEN ARE BETTER AND MEN ARE DISGUSTING LITTLE COCKROACHES!" then guess what, she's not a feminist. It's 2016, some women need to realize that sending your favorite celebrities raunchy messages that make them uncomfortable is also sexually harassing them. Sexual harassment doesn't occur with women only. When I see how many men have joined the feminism movement, I feel so proud and happy. Some of my classmates here in America have the teenage boy mentality where they think being a feminist means something girly. First of all, let's not use the term girly in any way anymore because honestly, having your nails painted pink doesn't mean you're girly. It means you like pink and you want your nails a specific color. The same way, if a guy wears something pink, doesn't mean he's homosexual. I mean, it could easily just mean he likes the color or someone gifted it to him. Why do we give genders to colors. Pink means girl and blue means boy. No. Pink means it's a color and blue means it's a color. My favorite color is blue, doesn't make me a boy now does it? Well now that's the end to my long, long rant. Thank you if you sat through all 2000+ words of it.

Dear me.

Dear Nimisha,

I know it hurts to even walk to class because of the looks you get every time you do walk in there. I know how much pain you go through, even though you're only 12. I know that feeling you get when your classmates give you dirty looks. It pains me to see how much you're suffering, and how badly you want make it all go away. I know that every time, you get up in the morning, you always have a frightened expression and I know you make up excuses to stay back home so you don't have to deal with any of this. I know the pain and suffering you go through every time someone thought you were carrying a disease and stopped sitting next to you. I know how it feels when the one friend you have bails on you and doesn't want to stand up for you in any matter. I know you cry in the bathroom every day and I know most of time you just want to be in there for the whole day until school ends. I really just wish all this doesn't have to happen to you because I know deep down you're such a strong girl, but that one strength you have just gets stolen from you every day. I know you're suffering so bad and I wish I could help you right now. You feel so guilty and blame yourself for everything because that's all you can do.

 I know how it feels when you stay at home during the weekends because all of the interest you had in things before has just gone. I know you're so strong and I just wish that would come out but I understand. It pains you to even fake a smile. I know you want to stay in bed all day, because that's where no one judges you.

Now you're 13, and you've moved onto the 8th grade. I know how it feels to still be stared at. I know it's possibly the hardest thing you've gone through. I know you have that inch of bravery in you that's waiting to come out but is stopped every time. Every single thing you used to enjoy before has become something you're scared of being asked to do. I know you bawl your eyes out every day and I know why you do it. You're not enjoying life like a normal 13 year old does, instead you're sitting at home and crying. I know you feel like you're the loneliest person on Earth. I know you think you have no one to talk to, but if I could see you right now, I would be there for you. I know you watch YouTube videos to take your mind off of things, but I know it doesn't help but you act like it does. I know how you say you're okay and then go and sit on the couch and cry at midnight. I know you push everyone away because you can't trust anyone. I know you still sit in the school bathroom and cry your eyes out. I know you have a lump in your throat whenever a teacher picks on you. I know you sit in a room at home and just stare outside and think about how everyone has turned on you.

Now you're 14, and you've moved to the US, and I know you've taken many days off in this new school too. Maybe no one will understand why, but I do and I always will. I know people tell you to be strong but it's just so hard to let things go. You sit alone at snack and lunch because you just can't even face people. I know you still cry everyday and I know you still feel alone. I know everything haunts you a year later. You can't smile anymore, let alone laugh. Your school performance improves but your emotional problems are still in you. You've found good friends, but you still get terrified they'll leave.

Now you're 15, and you're already in the 10th grade,wow. I know you're still hurting. 2 years later and nothing has changed. You cry every day and just want to stay home. It hurts Nimisha, I know it does. I know you feel like no one understands what you go through every single day. When counselors say it's best if you go to school, you cry. You can't do it and I understand. I know it hurts to even see people and I wish all of this would go away.

Now you're 16, and you've made a promise to keep all this behind you, but it still hurts so bad. You feel like you can't do it. You can't go to school and I know how you feel. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish you felt differently. I wish you knew that I love you. I know you don't want to go to school, I understand so deeply, but everyone tells you to go. I know you go to the bathroom and still do cry because all you think about at school is what happened in India, I know it hurts so bad Nimisha, I know that there are monsters inside your head. I know life is so tough, but so are you Nimisha. I know you feel like your world has come crashing down, but I promise you it hasn't, I know you'll end up happy, I know you will.